Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Hey der Y'all!

This be Cuzin Rufus. I'd be Charlie's 5th er 6th cuzin on our mama's side, I think. Any ways, I heared from Charlie just a few days ago and he asked me to let y'all know he'd be back to work soon. He went to visit his sister in the big city of Hamilton Ohiho fer Chrismas last winter an he never comed back. We just figgerd he was gettin a bigger check up thar so he stayed. Cum to find out he got hijacked by aliens er somethang. Why I aint never seen such in all my days as the letter what Bill Bob dun brot me from Charlie. He dun forgot how to speak Englush and the like. I were sad.

Iffin it be posiball, I'd be a thinkin' they dun speriminted on Charlie's haid an raced his memry. He shur didn't sound like the Charlie we been a knowin' all these years. Well, iffin' he gets home soon, y'all see what Im a meenin bout Charlie. It be so sad!!!

Land sakes!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Italian Beef ala Charlie

Iffin’ ya’ll remember, I telled ya’ll a while back that my pappy usta werk at an Italian (Eye tal ee n) restaurant when he were a kid. The momma took a shine to him and gived him summa her special family resipees. He gived em to me.  This here one what didn’t come from the Italian momma, but a friend gived it to me. Thay maked it from scratch and Charlie maked easy!

Italian Beef ala Charlie
Here’s yer fixins’: it’ll make bout 6-10 helpins pendin’ on how bigga eaters ya’ll feedin’

Ø  Rump roast bout 3 pounds (sinsen this be a beef resipee I use beef, but iffin’ yer taste goes to a more tradishunal meat ya’ll could use deer, possum, coon, skunk, hog or yer favorite road kill)
Ø  Regular size bottle of Italian salad dressing from yer genral store
Ø  Salt & pepper (cayenne)
Ø  A few roasted red peppers iffin’ ya likes it spicy but it be fine within just the tuther stuff

Here’s how ya be a cookin’ it:

Iffin’ ya’ll gots lektricity an one a dem thare crack pot cookers what we talked about being a slow cooker like aunt Daisy Mae, dat be a right smart thang to use fer this cookin’. Iffin’ ya ain’t got one, ya’ll hafta watch yer pot while she be cookin’ fer several heurs.

Take yer roast an trim offen the excess fat, just leavin’ a tiny bit fer flavor
Put the roast in the crack pot an purr on the Italian dressing
Start a cookin and let her cook til the meat be real tender an eazy to shred within’ a foark (usually takes me bout 3-4 heurs on high to git er the way I be a likin’ it

When she be all cooked, spoon it outta the pot an put it on a biskit er bread er iffin’ ya be little bit of a city folk, you can use what thay calls a “bun”.  (I always heared that a “bun” be the hairdo what them church ladies weared afore thay git xcited an start shakin’ their hair down)

Some folks ok a eatin’ this just like it be a comin’ outta the pot. Charlie be a likin’ some horse radish on his. I seen a fellar at the church social whare I made this here beef fer my potluck take some summa dat white cheese likin’ the Italain folks puts on dem thangs they call petezers. Ya’ll know what I be a talkin’ bout -- looks likin a big cookey within’ tomaters skwurshed on it an then leftovers tossed on toppa  dat. It looked real good when he were dun and he sayed it tasted might smart too, but I ain’t tried it yet. Iffin’ I were a bettin’ man, I’d say a Mexican fellar might be a puttin’ summa dem japalayneo (I cain’t never say dat werd right) peppers on his.

 Well ya’ll give a try an let ol’ Charlie know how you be likin’ to et yers.

 Let’s eat,
Cuzin Charlie

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Vegetarian Chili

I were a visitin' the church social an' I met a fellar who was a tellin' me he were a veggyterian. I never heared of that religion afore, so I asked my buddy Bowinkle T. Propwash iffin' he knowed what kinda religin a veggyterian would be. Bowinkle asked if he were a vegan! I sayed Bowinkle ain't none a my business iffin' he be a vegan or not. I weren't about to ask a total stranger bout his sex life! That Bowinkle ya'll just never no what he's a gonna say next.

I were a tellin' my other buddy, Buddy Lee bout Bowinkle an he started laffin likin a body put a frog in his shorts. He sayed Charlie, a veggyterian ain't no religion! It be a body what don't eat meat. That thare infermashun sure made me feel some cumpashoun fer him, what not eatin' meat and such. Iffin' that veggyterian had been some religion, I were a thinkin' it be up to Charlie what to get him saved from that meatless life. That be a real sin in my book, but sensin it ain't no religion, I'm afeared he be hopeless, not just meatless.

Charlie beein' the good man what I is, figgured even them veggyterians what got to et somethang or thay gonna die, so I dreamed up this here resipee fer chili what got no meat. I be the first to tell ya'll that the roadkill makes the meal, but iffin' ya'll want it here be the meatless vershun.

Vegetarian Chili

This be fer folks what don’t eat meat. I cain’t figger that one out cause to me meat be the best part a the hole meal.

Here’s yer fixin’s:  This be anuff fer bout 6-8 helpin’s fer normal folks

4 cans “petite” diced tomaters (whatever petite is, I dunno, but thays chopped up real tiny like)
(Depending on how much of a man ya’ll be, you can git it from whimpy mild to good n hot fer real men with bothin the beans an the chili mix)

Here’s how ya cook it:

Ya’ll gonna need a big pot fer this’n
Iffin’ ya’ll got lektricity and onea dem fancy stirrin’ thangs they call a “blender” git it to, otherwise getcha a tater masher er a hammer
Open all yer cans and yer seasoning packs
Put 1 can a beans and 2 cans a tomaters in the pot
Take the tuther cans an put in that thare blender iffin’ ya got one; iffin’ not just smash em up til they be juice within yer tater masher or hammer
Pour the juice in the pot
Add the seasoning mixes and stir it real good within yer favorite stirrin stick
Let er come to a boll on the stove and then put a lid on yer pot and let er simmer fer about 10 minutes ( simmerin’ is little tiny bubbles kinda like it be a belchin’)

Some folks like to be a eatin’ chili within’ spagetty er crackers. Charlie always takes any chance he can git to eat cheeze, so I put a big ole hanful on mine. Them Mexican fellars I know, puts them green thangs they be callin’ japalaneyo peppers on it to. An suma em puts that thare sour cream stuff on it to. I shure don’t know why a body would ruin some good chili within sour milk but dem Mexican fellars like what thay be a likin’.

When ya’ll got it fixed up the way ya be a likin’ it, all that’ll be a missin’ is the meat. That be a dirty, rottin shame. Oh well, injoy!

Let’s eat,
Cuzin Charlie

Friday, January 6, 2012

Hillbilly Rarebit

Hey ya'll, haft ya ben a missin' me? I ben a mite peekid the last few days an was just a layin' round the shack takin' summa my pappy's tonik. Sincen nobody gived a rip to care iffin' I were sick er not, I figgerd I'd just get back to work, so here I be.

Hillbilly Rarebit

My momma, God rest her soul, usta mix up this here stuff an called  it “Welsh Rarebit”. Now I ain’t got no idee why a body would be a callin’ something what don’t be a lookin’ liken no  rarebit I ever seen a rarebit and further more, I ain’t got no idee the difference tween a Welsh rarebit and a Kentucky rarebit.  Do one of em’ haft bigger ears er something? I just know I sure do like to be a eatin’ this here stuff.

Here’s the fixin’s:

1 can of tomater soup
Cheeze – that that stuff what comes in a box an thay be a callin’ cheese food sometimes (I be a might parshal to the Velveeta brand causin’ it melts down real good)
Bit a Worstchestershire sauce
Somethang to be a puttin’ it on – us hillbillys be parshal to crackers (not our cuzins from further south) them little round ones or the flat ones work just fine. Some folks what think they be a bit uppity spreads it on something they be a callin’ an English muffin. To me that just be a biskit what didn’t raise.  When Charlie gets a wild hair, I eat it on them little crispy Chinese nudlles.

Here’s how to cook it:

Get yer regular sized pot
Cut yereself some thin slices of the cheese ya’ll be a usin’
Open up yer can a tomater soup and dump it in the pot
Get er hot to where she be a bubblin’ but be sure you don’t let er stick to the pot
Start tossin’ in yer cheese until it gets real creamy and thick like (ya’ll get the hang of how ya be a likin’ it after ya’ll makes it a few times.  Charlie loves cheeze so I be a makin’ mine real smooth and thick)
BE SURE YA’LL BE STIRRIN’ the hole time or ya gonna have yerself one big ol’ burned up mess
Add ya some of that thare Worstchestershire sauce til it be a tastin’ real good. It gives her a bit of a kick an ya don’t haft to waste none of yer white litenin’ spicing it up.
When ya got er’ tastin’ the way ya want pur it on yer crackers an chow down likin’ a hog at the troff. It be real good!

Iffin’ ya’ll can figgur out why thay be a callin’ this stuff a rarebit, please let Charlie know. I bin a wonderin’ bout that since a were a little bar hunter in a dirty diaper.

Let’s eat!
Cuzin Charlie

Friday, December 30, 2011

Charlie's Tuner Fish Stew

Mornin' ya'll!

 I been havin' a strong hankerin' fer tuner fish stew. Did ya'll ever wonder why some fishes what got last names an otherin' don't. Fer xample "catfish"; "monk fish" and tuner fish but no fellars gottin' to be callin' a shark a "shark fish" or even a trout a "trout fish". I always wundered bout that there question.

I call this stew 'causin I don't know what else ta call it. Ya'll can come within' a right smart name fer this stuff I'd be obliged to hear it.

Here the fixins:

1 can Cream of Mushroom soup
1 can Albacor White Tuna (IN WATER)
1 couple a good sized hanfuls a freezed green peas
Some a dem crispy lil Chinese "Chow Mein" nudles

Heres be how ya cookin' it:

Git yer a good pan don't need to be big
Git yer stirrin stick
Git yer nife er hatchet what ya'll use fer openin' cans

Open the cans
Pur the soup in yer pot
Drain the water offin' yer tuner fish and dump it in yer pot (ya'll like me ya always save a smig fer yer cat what been go crazy since ya'll started a cookin')
Toss in yer green peas - as much as ya'll be of a mind to

Warm it up an keep her from a stickin to yer pot by a usin' the stirrin stick
When she''s good n hot, put ya summa dem nudles on yer plate an dump the tuner fish stew on top.
Stir it up a bit within' yer foark an injoy.

Charlie yously eats the hole mess hiself, but a lesser man might be offa mind to share and ya'll could may be get 2-3 helpin's fer each batch.

Well, I shure hope ya'l be likin my tuner fish stew, an iffin' ya'll got a better name let Charlie know bout yer thouths.

Let's eat,
Cuzin Charlie

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Hillbilly Pepperoni Rolls

Hillbilly Pepperoni Rolls
Merry After Christmas from mom an d’em down here in the holler. We all lookin fer a great new year within the goverment outta money, thay won’t be a sendin near a many revenuers an that be real good fer alot of the local “businessmen”.

When my pappy were a yungin, he worked fer some Italian (eye-tal-ee-un) folks in dere restrant. Bein’ a crafty hillbilly liken he were, he was able to sneek out within’ some a thays best recipes. Here be one a’ my favorites! Just so ya’ll know I dun made er cheap fer ya’ll an easy as a fallin offin’ a slippery log too.

Here’s yer fixins:

Every how muchin’ pepperoni ya’ll wants  - I be a liken en the sticks better un the circles, but can do whichever one ya’ll be a liken fer yerself
“Canned” Crescent Rolls from the Gen’ral Store

Her be the cookin part:

 Git yer bankin pan ready fer bakin
Open the Crescent Rolls an lay em out on the bakin pan
Iffin ya’ll got the sticks – cut em up in peeces what ya can roll up inside the rolls – iffin ya’ll be using the circle just be puttin’ ever how many ya’ll be a wantin in each roll
Roll em up an stick em in the oven till thay be cooked

 When ya’ll dun em right, the pepperoni greese will be a soakin thru them thare rolls an it be almost as a good as when Granny usta let ya be a dippin yer biscat in the left over bacon greese.

 Save some fer the naybors an kin an be sure to hide some fer Cuzin Charlie as I be a vistin ya’ll on New Years.

Let’s eat!
Cuzin Charlie

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Granpaaapy's Egg Nog

Granpappy’s Egg Nog

Heres yer fixins

9 eggs
2 cans evaporated milk
2 cups sugar
2 table spoons vanilla extract
2 tea spoons lemon extract
Fresh milk from Bessie


Ya'll gonna need a few spaseeile tools fer this one:

Granny’s big mixin boll – that one what she uses fer the tater salad at the church picknick
A milk can er a bucket er a moonshine jug causin’ this here makes bout gallun and haf
Iffin ya’ll better at book learnin than me an can figgur out how to make less, that be ok within me.

Mixin er up be really easy
Ya’ll just be a puttin the eggs in the boll ferst an beatin em up reall good within the egg beater
Then just dump everthang else in the boll and beat er up some more till it be good and smooth
Dump er from the boll inta the milk can and pur in Bessies milk until ya’ll git an idee if be a tastin just bout the way ya want’er to. Iffin ya’ll puts in too much milk yer gonna lose the sweet creamy taste of all the good stuff whatin ya’ll mix’d up ferst

Thare ya go! Pur it out an drink er up.

Granpappy usta always say iffin thare were’nt no CHRIST in Christmas it just be a dab blame mess. Never were quite sure what he were a meanin to say thare septin it be a good thang to member the hole reason fer the selleebrashun be Jesus burthday. Iffin I can member rightly I be a thinkin CHRIST is Jesus last name. That be why in the holler we always be a tellin everybody MERRY CHRISTmas ya’ll!

Watch out fer Santa an dem crazy raindeers, ya’ll member what happened to Grandma

Merry Christmas,
Cuzin Charlie