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Friday, December 30, 2011

Charlie's Tuner Fish Stew

Mornin' ya'll!

 I been havin' a strong hankerin' fer tuner fish stew. Did ya'll ever wonder why some fishes what got last names an otherin' don't. Fer xample "catfish"; "monk fish" and tuner fish but no fellars gottin' to be callin' a shark a "shark fish" or even a trout a "trout fish". I always wundered bout that there question.

I call this stew 'causin I don't know what else ta call it. Ya'll can come within' a right smart name fer this stuff I'd be obliged to hear it.

Here the fixins:

1 can Cream of Mushroom soup
1 can Albacor White Tuna (IN WATER)
1 couple a good sized hanfuls a freezed green peas
Some a dem crispy lil Chinese "Chow Mein" nudles

Heres be how ya cookin' it:

Git yer a good pan don't need to be big
Git yer stirrin stick
Git yer nife er hatchet what ya'll use fer openin' cans

Open the cans
Pur the soup in yer pot
Drain the water offin' yer tuner fish and dump it in yer pot (ya'll like me ya always save a smig fer yer cat what been go crazy since ya'll started a cookin')
Toss in yer green peas - as much as ya'll be of a mind to

Warm it up an keep her from a stickin to yer pot by a usin' the stirrin stick
When she''s good n hot, put ya summa dem nudles on yer plate an dump the tuner fish stew on top.
Stir it up a bit within' yer foark an injoy.

Charlie yously eats the hole mess hiself, but a lesser man might be offa mind to share and ya'll could may be get 2-3 helpin's fer each batch.

Well, I shure hope ya'l be likin my tuner fish stew, an iffin' ya'll got a better name let Charlie know bout yer thouths.

Let's eat,
Cuzin Charlie

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Hillbilly Pepperoni Rolls

Hillbilly Pepperoni Rolls
Merry After Christmas from mom an d’em down here in the holler. We all lookin fer a great new year within the goverment outta money, thay won’t be a sendin near a many revenuers an that be real good fer alot of the local “businessmen”.

When my pappy were a yungin, he worked fer some Italian (eye-tal-ee-un) folks in dere restrant. Bein’ a crafty hillbilly liken he were, he was able to sneek out within’ some a thays best recipes. Here be one a’ my favorites! Just so ya’ll know I dun made er cheap fer ya’ll an easy as a fallin offin’ a slippery log too.

Here’s yer fixins:

Every how muchin’ pepperoni ya’ll wants  - I be a liken en the sticks better un the circles, but can do whichever one ya’ll be a liken fer yerself
“Canned” Crescent Rolls from the Gen’ral Store

Her be the cookin part:

 Git yer bankin pan ready fer bakin
Open the Crescent Rolls an lay em out on the bakin pan
Iffin ya’ll got the sticks – cut em up in peeces what ya can roll up inside the rolls – iffin ya’ll be using the circle just be puttin’ ever how many ya’ll be a wantin in each roll
Roll em up an stick em in the oven till thay be cooked

 When ya’ll dun em right, the pepperoni greese will be a soakin thru them thare rolls an it be almost as a good as when Granny usta let ya be a dippin yer biscat in the left over bacon greese.

 Save some fer the naybors an kin an be sure to hide some fer Cuzin Charlie as I be a vistin ya’ll on New Years.

Let’s eat!
Cuzin Charlie

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Granpaaapy's Egg Nog

Granpappy’s Egg Nog

Heres yer fixins

9 eggs
2 cans evaporated milk
2 cups sugar
2 table spoons vanilla extract
2 tea spoons lemon extract
Fresh milk from Bessie


 

Ya'll gonna need a few spaseeile tools fer this one:

Granny’s big mixin boll – that one what she uses fer the tater salad at the church picknick
A milk can er a bucket er a moonshine jug causin’ this here makes bout gallun and haf
Iffin ya’ll better at book learnin than me an can figgur out how to make less, that be ok within me.

Mixin er up be really easy
Ya’ll just be a puttin the eggs in the boll ferst an beatin em up reall good within the egg beater
Then just dump everthang else in the boll and beat er up some more till it be good and smooth
Dump er from the boll inta the milk can and pur in Bessies milk until ya’ll git an idee if be a tastin just bout the way ya want’er to. Iffin ya’ll puts in too much milk yer gonna lose the sweet creamy taste of all the good stuff whatin ya’ll mix’d up ferst

Thare ya go! Pur it out an drink er up.

Granpappy usta always say iffin thare were’nt no CHRIST in Christmas it just be a dab blame mess. Never were quite sure what he were a meanin to say thare septin it be a good thang to member the hole reason fer the selleebrashun be Jesus burthday. Iffin I can member rightly I be a thinkin CHRIST is Jesus last name. That be why in the holler we always be a tellin everybody MERRY CHRISTmas ya’ll!

Watch out fer Santa an dem crazy raindeers, ya’ll member what happened to Grandma

Merry Christmas,
Cuzin Charlie

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Cuzin Charlie's Christmas Punch

Charlie’s Christmas Punch

Member when you was a kid and the bully uppin the tuther end a the holler would ketch ya coming down by the crick an say how’d ya’ll be likin a punch it the nose? Well Charlie’s punch is a kick in yer tastin buds.

Now thays a couple a ways what to brew this here punch up dependin on whos a gonna be a drinkin it. Iffin the yungins is gonna git some you gonna wanna use Uncle Jimmys version, but iffin it be just the men folk or adults a drinkin ya’ll use one a Charlies recipes.

Uncle Jimmys version:

Takin equal parts Cranberry Juice an one a the follerin:
            Cranberry Ginger Ale
            Sparklin Grape Juice or Apple Cider
            Plain ginger Ale or Sprite, 7-Up er the such
Git ya’ll some Rasberry shebert ice cream
Pur yer liquid fixins in a jug er a pitchar an stir er shake it real good
Pur some out in a glass an put a big scoopin yer sheberty ice cream on top and yer done

Now, iffin yer a makin this punch fer the men folk ya’ll might wanna add some a Granpappys white lightnin to the recipe to make it a little more innerestin when Santer Claws be comin down yer chimley

Iffin ya’ll got women folks ya’ll tryin to impress git yerself some cheap champane from that French fellar, Jon Clod,  an use it stead a the tuther fixins. Ya’ll gotta use the cranberry juice causin its what gives the flavor. It be the white lightning what gives it the “punch”.

Now ya’ll knows I likes to be a pullin yer leg some time cause thay ain’t nuthin Charles likes better than funnin people. Ya’ll know Granpappy ain’t obliged to be a cookin no white lightnin no more since he had that visit from the revenuers back a spell. So Charlie fer all prakticull perposes don’t waste nunna granpappys good corn licker on no punch. I dun made me a deal with Jon Clod fer the champane and I’d reckomend ya’ll do the same. Now iffin ya’ll be of the mind to take a Mason jer within ya’ll when ya goes to visit Jon Clod, he may git the idee to be givin ya’ll the same deal he give me… iffin ya’ll no what I mean.

Just a wurd a cawshun to my fellar Kentuckians, iffin ya’ll try puttin some good ole Kentucky Bourbon in this here mix, the taste ain’t gonna be to the likin a most folks and ya’ll gonna spoil some good bourbon a doin it. Take it from Charlie, I dun try’d it an I winded up havin to drink the gull derned batch maself. Come to think bout it that weren’t such a bad Christmas after all!

Let’s drink up ya’ll
Cuzin Charlie

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Charlie's Chicken Puddin'

Senior Raphael’s Caseroll
(Cuzin Charlie’s Chicken Puddin’)

Howdy ya’ll. Member I told ya’ll awile back I’d made friends with them Mexican fellars? Here be nuther one a thare recipes which I took a hankerin to. My friends name is Raphael which I’m a guessin might be Mexican for Ralph whats a purdy good hillbilly name.

When Raphael first was tellin me how to make this here caseroll, he sayed I was gonna need to git me a slow cooker. I sayed that there would aunt Daisy Mae cause she were slower than cold moleasses waitin fir Christmas. He looked at me like I dun just falled offen the turnip truck and sayed “Charlie its what you call a crock pot”. I figgured it must some gull derned Mexican invention so I went to the outhouse and snatched what were left of the Sears catalog to see iffin I could find a crock pot. Sure nuff they was one in there. Thank goodness I got there befir Uncle Billy. He takes 10 er 12 pages more than a body should need. I’d a probably missed it.

Well here be Raphaels caseroll, but I likin to call it Chicken Puddin’:

2-3 good sized chicken breasts what been skinned and wershed
2 can creamy chicken soup
1 can creamy cellry soup
1 can creamy mushroom soup
2 them thar little bitty cans a green chilly peppers chopped up reel good
1 a Pappy’s callfee cups full sour cream (I cain’t fir the life a me figgur out why them Mexican fellars don’t like fresh cream . Seems like they is always goin fir that sour stuff what’s all thick an gooey likin half churned butter)
1 pack, bout 10-12 flour tortillas (theys those thangs what looks likin Granny’s nudles fir she cuts um up innta nudles – flat as a pancake)
2-3 good sized handfuls a grated cheddar cheese

Now when yer a cookin this ya’ll gotta do it just likin Raphel telled Charlie or it gonna taste likin  yesterday’s dish water. All righty? Just foller directshuns and ya’ll be right as 2 rabbits.

Git yer good pot outtin the cupburd
Git yer crock pot slow cooker, not aunt Daisy Mae, ready to go
Puttin yer chickin breast in the pot within some water and boll em real strong until theys cooked real tender; then ya’ll gonna takin yer knife ere hatchet and chop em up into little peeces
Borrery Granny’s big ole mixin bowl she uses fir tater salad at the church picknick an start pourin in all yer soup, sour cream and chilly peppers
Git yer knife er hatchet an chop them thar tortilla pancakes innta strips boutin the size of yer thumb
Git yerself a goodly hanful a lard from and greaze down the insides of the crock pot soin’ yer caseroll don’t stick. Now iffin ya’ll ain’t got the stomach fir putting yer hands in the lard crock, Raphael says ya’ll can use that thar sprayin lard what comes in the hairspray cans
Once ya gottin yer chicken chopped and yer soup an stuff all mixed up real good go ahead an dump the chicken right in the tater salad bowl within that thar soup slop ya ‘ll made and stir it up real good within yer stirrin stick. Iffin ya’ll dun it right likin I telled ya’ll, I should look like nanner puddin with chicken stead of nanners in it                                                               . 
 
  Ok now pay tention real close this is the hard part … Take them thar little stips of tortilla pancakes an lay em down in yer greezed crock pot likin you was ta be makin a pie crust. Make sure the bottom is covered real good. Save rest of the pancakes fir the next layers.

Now git ya a big stirrin spoon an putta layer of the chickin puddin’ on a top a ther tortilla pancakes til thays covered real good within puddin’.

Now ya’ll got the hang of it keep on a doin that until ya’ll runs outta puddin’. When ya’ll dun, put the lid on the crock pot an turn er up ta HIGH an let er cook til the cows comes home. Which be I’d say boutin 3 hurs from now.

When shes all cooked up an kinda bubbly take yer hanfuls a cheese and spread it on toppa the caseroll an let er cook til the cheeses starts to melt. When the cheese be melted real good take yer spoon an slop it on yer plate. I git bout 4-6 helpins pur batch.

Now Charlie likes to et mine within them Mexican japalano peppers an some a thum thar chittlin thangs what we used to eat the Gwackamolee I dun telled ya how to cook. I eat the gwackamolee within this chicken puddin’l too an its real good.

Let’s eat,
Cuzin Charlie

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Tater Soup

Tater Soup
Hey ya’ll.
Sorry I am a little late getting to my writin’ tonight. I had me a busy day shoppin’.  Once you git outta the holler, it surprises a body just how many dumpsters  they is . Why most every bildun’s got one somewhere. I purdy near got everythin I was a needin fir the family taday.

Well I no ya’ll don’t visit yer ole cuz fir shoppin nitemere stories so here’s tomorrer’s lunch or supper. Ain’t nobody I dun ever met what don’t like some good tater soup. Here we go….

Git ya some TATERS, iffin ya is nere one of them supermarket places, they dun got em all gussied up in little peeces likin you gonna want and dun put in a bag in them big ole frigerater thangs within the glass doors! I always use them iffin I gits the chance
Git ya a little ONYUN and some CELLRY whatin ya’ll can chop up within yer nife er hatchet
Git ya a goodly sized handful a BUTTER
Git yerself some fresh MILK from old Bessie out back
Here’s Cuzin’ Charlie’s secret weapon fir tater soup which I’d be kindly obliged iffin you’d keep a secret to --- BUTTERMILK. Summa ya’ll city folk may not no what buttermilk is, but when yewr a churnin butter it be what’s left when yer butter done got to be butter.

Now heres how you cook er up:

Git yewr big pot fir thisn
Put ever how many TATERs ya’ll wants to cook outta the bag in yer pot
Chop up yer ONYUN and soma yewr CELLRY and toss it in to. (Now Cuzin Charlie don’t like them thar onyuns. I thinks they be the food from hell, so I just put in a few. Iffin you ain’t got no better sents than to eat the thangs, put in as many as ya’ll want. Just don’t spect me to join ya fir dinner)
Fir the CELLRY, I like bout halfin Pappys callfee cup fir each full callfee cup a taters ya toss in, but ya’ll can just guess bout what’ll taste good to ya’ll

When ya git yer fixins in the pot put ya some water on top just a nuff to cover the fixins than turn on the stove an let er rip. Ya wanna let er boal (thats with the bubbles and steam a flyin) til yer taters and stuff is nice and soft
After ya dun boald the fixins til theys nice and soft, git yer stirrin stick ready
Poor summa milk and buttermilk in yer pot. I gotta mind to put bout the same a both causin’ I shur do like the taste of buttermilk, but ya’ll can lick the stirrin stick an be shur yer a likin the taste afor ya mess er up and gotta to start over. Just use yer horse sents bout how much to poor in causin this be a good place to use yer charm! 
Toss in yer handful a butter
Keep a stirrin within yer stick til it gits good an hot. Now Granny , God rest her soul, taut Charlie never to boal yer milk. Ya just wanna skald her real good…. Got it?
While yas a lickin the stirrin stick se how much salt and pepper ya'll want toss in the soup so it tastes just right

Now, iffin ya’ll got a hankerin fir real thick soup ya’ll can git ya a spoon an git summa the soup inna boll an than mix in some flour. Stir er up reel fine til there ain’t no lumps and dump it back in the pot and cook fir a minut er so an watch yer soup start to lookin more likin tater gravey.

Now mosta ya’ll probly had tater soup afore, but Cuzin Charlie saays  it be the buttermilk what makes his tater soup the best in the hole gull derned holler.

Let’s eat,
Cuzin Charlie

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Gwackamolee

Gwackamolee

I met these Mexican fellars tuther day. They was havin a big party cause one a there cuzins was havin a baby. They was real naborly an offered me to join the party. Well ya’ll no that Cuzin Charlie ain’t never gonna turn down no free meal, even iffin he ani’t go no clue what hes a eatin.

They had this stuff what lookin alot like pond scum. It were green an smooth within little peeces of red stuff stickin up in it. I never new no Mexican fellars afor an I’m not a body to look poorly on a fellar just causin he ain’t got enuff sense not to eat pond scum, so smiled and watched em. In a minute a cute little gal walked over a put a big glob a that there pond scum on my plate an smiled real big in Mexican likein I was supposed to eat it. She gived me thangs what looked like chittlins too. I weren’t gonna be mean at there shindig so I sayed a prayer to the good Lord and put the chittlin in the pond scum an eat it. It were really good!

I found me a Mexican fellar what could talk hillbilly purdy good and asked him bout the pond scum. He told me how to stur some up and I ‘m gonna tell you right now.

3-4 AVACADOs - theys green things that’s dun turned black and feels mushy (that must be one a thum there translashun errers with em beeun green that turnen black)
SOUR CREAM - bout ½ pappy’s coffee cup  (I still caint figgur out why they don’t just use some fresh cow milk, but this here stuff tastes purdy good in the pond scum tuff what they calls Gwackamolee)
SALSA - the other ½ a pappy’s coffee cup – this a concockshun of tomaters, onyuns, green thangs all slopped together like suckatash. The Mexican fellars whips up ther own, but he dun told me ya can buy at a store iffin you got one handy

Here’s how ya mix er up

Git ya a bowl bigginuff to hold all the stuff
Peel the skin offin them Avacado thangs an take that ther big slimy seed out the middle
Toss em in the bowl - the green stuff that is not the peels an seeds
Dump that sour cream stuff from pappy’s cup in the bowl
Dump that salsa stuff in on top
Git yer tater masher iffin ya got one, if ya ain’t ya'll can git a big spoon or yer egg beater an use it
Smash er all togethur til it looks like pond scum
Stick yer finger in it an taste to see iffin you need salt, pepper, or some a dat there hot sause I was tellin ya bout the tothur day to spice er up a bit

Iffin ya can git yer folks to try it I’m a thinkin they gonna like it just like me. Them Mexican fellars what showed me how to eat it, likes to put it on little chittlin thangs they calls TORTILLA CHIPS. They was good an crunchy kinda like when granny yusta burn the mush fer brekfest.

Well I sure hopes ya'll like my Mexican frends pond scum stuff. Him an me has becum good buddys and we is sharin all kind a good stuf within each an other so I’ll give ya’ll some more his goodies later.

Let’s eat,
Cuzin Charlie

Road Kill Chili

Road Kill Chili

Dependin on where ya’ll live the ingredients for this one may be a little hard to find. They tell me in thre city they got fellars what drives around in trucks wearin funny suits like spacemen and takes all the road kill afore the good folks can git to it. Down here we ain’t got the problem. All we do is go down yonder to route 127 an pick up whatever we need. Seems to always plenty for all the cuzins. I called a friend who lives in Ohio and he told me you can git this stuff in somethun called a “supermarket”?

Well anyway good luck with the fixins… here we go

1can diced tomaters with chilies and onions
1 can hot chili beans
Pound r’ so of possum, skwurell, deer iffin yur real lucky, or iffin them  fellars beat you to the good stuff hamburger
1 pack chili mix (this is a might smart cheaper than buyin all the stuff by itself, so I like it real good)

Here how to cook it…

Git yerself a pan bigginuff to hold everything
Put it on yer stove and start gittin it hot
Toss in yer roadkill (its best iffin you can grind it up or chop it real good within yer hatchet)
Cook it until ya git it kinda brown and theres lots a grease comin out of it
Git ya somethun what to pour out the meat and leave the grease behind (I got an old shirt what works pretty good. The grease runs thru and the meat stays put. You can use yer maginashun iffin you ain’t got a shirt)
Put the meat back in the pan
Open the cans of tomaters and beans and dump in the pan on top a the meat
Put the chili mix in the pan
Git yer sturrin stick and stur it up real good
Ya want to simmer it (that’s a fancy word fer cookin with little bubbles in the pot) bout 10-15 minutes
Lick yer stick an see iffin you need salt, pepper or anythun else what ya think might taste good and dump it in

When yer dun, ya should have bout 3-4 helpins. Iffin ya want more just figgur on putting more stuff in the pan. I tried it and iffin I put in 1 more can of tomaters and beans, some more roadkill and nuther 1 of thum there chili mix things, I got 6-8 helpins. I thought that was pretty amazin!

Now iffin yer one them folks don’t like roadkill or meat you can just leave it out an do the rest just like I told ya an itall still be good nuff to eat.
 Iffin yer a real hillbilly or want to be sure you dun killed all the critters in yer roadkill, use tomaters and beans what says HOT on the can an add some that there stuff in the cute little bottle they call hot sauce to spice er up to where ya sweat real good when yer  chowin down.

Let’s eat!
Cuzin Charlie

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Tuesday's Soup

Hey Y'all,
I was hungry this afternoon and decided to make some soup. Since it were Tuesday, I figgered I'd call it Tuesday's Soup. Here's the fixins yer gonna need and how to cook it up:

Tuesday’s Soup
1 can cream of somethin or t’other soup – I’m partial to mushroom, chickin, or cellry
½ a soup can of milk (don’t you dare put no water in this here soup)
Couple handfulls of frozen veggies – I like peas, corn, carrots, limer beans, or them little tater chunks
Good size handful shredded cheddar cheese
Might smaller handful shredded mozzarella cheese
Salt and pepper   

Here’s how y’all cook it:

Get ya a pot biggin nuff to hold all the stuff
Open the soup
Get the rest of the stuff outta the frig and get it by the stove
Dump the soup in the pan
Fill the soup can halfway with milk and dump it in           
Stir it up with somethin
Now be a good time to toss the empty can out the winder or in the corner, you ain’t gonna need it no more
Toss yer veggies in the pot
Toss in yer cheese
Keep on a stirin til it gets hot (you can tell when its hot cause there be steam comin outta the pot and you can see little bubbles in there too)
Lick what yer stirrin the pot with and see how much salt and pepper you need to put in; keep on a lickin until it tastes real good

Pour it a bowl and eat it. Dependin on how hungry ya are, you can feed 1 to 4 helpins from each batch.

If y'all like it, let your cuz know. I need all the help I can git!

See ya later,
Cuzin Charlie

Howdy

Thanks for coming by y'all. I would be Cuzin Charlie, but you could call me The Hillbilly Chef, but they's some other fellers out there what calls themself that, so y'all better just call me cuz, cuzin Charlie, or just Charlie. My cuzins get a little mad sometimes cause they say  I am gonna give the family a bad name callin myself a gull dern CHEF instead of a cook. When they ain't cussin me out I keep telling em just cause they ain't got no cuth don't mean I got act some uneducated hick. After all I was the first one in my family to gradgeeate the 8th grade.


Well nuff said bout that stuff. I am goin to write some good recipes for y'all with no big words or fancy measuring stuff that nobody exceptin my brother the injuneer can understand. I will do my best to get them so you can read them. I am havin a hard time with this here computer cause it keeps puttin red lines under half what I'm trying to say. Does this here machine think it can talk better English than a redblooded American boy like me? I don't think so!


Well it time for my nap before supper, so I'll talk to y'all after bit.
Cuzin Charlie